Maybe I’m not the man I want to be. Maybe I’m just as fucked up as the worst person in the world. I guess that would make me the worst person in the world. I thought I would handle the situation well but I guess that is never the case. I always end up fucking everything up…always! Whether it’s by something I say or something I do. One of my Best Friends ended up telling me that she liked me. It was out of the blue. I tell her mostly everything and now I feel like all of that has changed just because of one thing I said. I was a dumbass to say it and I guess I shouldn’t have. But my mentality is that you should be honest no matter the consequences. So I guess my mentality is wrong? I guess all those things her friend said was right…and she didn’t even know the whole story. For all I know I lost a dear friend. It’s going to be tough if I did lose her but I don’t have a choice but too let the majority of the friendship go. It sucks this has to happen but I guess my unintelligent, rude and cruel harassing words were the reason why. I would say sorry and want to talk about it…but she said that she just wants a break from talking to me for now so I decided to let it goo. Just like always time is the answer and if history repeats itself…thennn….I don’t know I guess ill have to man up and start all over like I normally do. It’s not up to me…its never ever up to me.
I try my hardest not to act the dick I am but I guess I can only try so hard. I am really sorry for what I said. Dearly sorry. Although I might have said what I said I did not intend it to be interpreted in that manner. I guess you were right, I told myself that you wouldn’t phase me but I guess YOU did. On the contrary, it really hit me when I told others about it and even they told me that it was pretty messed up. It was hard for me too look at myself in the mirror and imagine I would even do that. I thought my other bf would support me but I guess there is no one whos got my back. With all three people I told they all agreed with her. So I guess they were right. Once again…I AM A FUCK UP…. I guess there is no reasoning to my behavior that would make it okay. It’s pointless to debate about the topic because it will just get worse…and plus people always remember the bad…not the good.
It’s not anyones fault. It’s not any of my friends fault or her fault or even her friends fault. I take full responsibility for my action and there are no excuses. I don’t ant anyone to be sorry for me or apologize cause its not your fault. I gotta deal with ish on my own. I know that I made the mistake not anyone else and only I have to face the consequences.
I already feel like its just me and if that’s how it is then so be it. It was me from the beginning and it is still me. I was a dumbass to think I should open up more when in turn it just fucks me over. People tell me I don’t open up, thats because theres a fucking reason for it. For instance, I’m afraid to tell people everything and let them in cause eventually ill say something that will mess everything up. I guess its too late for that too. I guess I just have to go back to keeping my head up myself rather then looking for support for others cause I know I’ll never get what I need.
I know that there is some that I could say but nothing will change the damage taht has already occurred. I know what I did wrong and I know what I did right. Why fight fire with fire. I might as well just quit and get over it. As much as I want to talk about it and set it straight she said she doesn’t want to speak to me because she wants a break, so I guess I don’t have a choice. I think that I’ve changed…for the worse. I don’t know how but I feel it. I wan’t to go back to my past self. I used to be so strong mentally and physically, and now I just want to call quits to everything and just…leave. I think in order to retrieve that I just have to get back to that state of mind. That I do everything for myself and nothing else…I know how I did it. It was tough but I know how I did it and I know I can do it again but it will be harder since there is more of everything.
When you are up past 5 writing this then you know something is wrong.
Sighhh
I am soo veryy disappointed in myself and I don’t know how or when or what to My message was interpreted the wrong way but even if I found the right words It would be pointless because it wouldn’t to make anything better. For all I know I think this is a sting that will never go away. It’s hard to sleep when you feel like the whole world hates you. It’s amazing what one person can do.
With dearest apologies.
written by my dear friend. i know exactly how u feel bro <3 take care dude.
